The Roast Of KXIP

The Roast Of KXIP

We’re gonna make this a series. Whenever RR is playing, the preview will be replaced by a roast of the opposition team. Because you honestly can’t expect a fair analysis from me about RR, since I support them and they’ve done a lot for me. I’ve already done this roast thing for CSK, and you can check that out here. Ok, let’s get into it!

Kings XI Punjab Probable XI

  1. KL Rahul (c) (wk) (only dependable batsman)
  2. Mayank Agarwal (To fill the Karnataka quota of the team)
  3. Karun Nair (To fill the Karnataka quota of the team)
  4. Nicholas Pooran* (Only in the team because his hair is kinda cool)
  5. Glenn Maxwell* (They paid 10.75 crores for him. Lol.)
  6. Sarfraz Khan (To fill the ‘rude aggressive player’ quota in the absence of Chris Gayle)
  7. James Neesham (Oh, he got a break from tweeting all the time, did he?)
  8. Murugan Ashwin (To fill KXIP’s yearly Ashwin quota)
  9. Ravi Bishnoi (Not gonna slander him, he’s the future of Indian spin bowling)
  10. Mohammad Shami (I’m sure he isn’t going to do any violence today, nor will he cheat)
  11. Sheldon Cottrell ( They paid him 8.5 crores just to fill the ‘good celebration’ quota of the team)

The state of this team is pitiful. As it is, they’re one of the teams who hasn’t ever won an IPL trophy, and by the looks of it, they don’t want to ever change that! Their batting is literally non-existent, it’s just one player – KL Rahul. I’m telling you, if the phrase ‘one man army’ was to be shown in the most accurate way, this KXIP team would be the perfect example. Just look at the last game, KL Rahul scored 132 runs! Yet, the team total only barely reached above 200. If it was any other team which had 1 player scoring 132, their team total would’ve definitely been 250+.

The coach is from Karnataka and the captain is from Karnataka. So of course, unworthy Karnataka players will be selected. Mayank Agarwal, I can accept, but why is Karun Nair even in the team! Even the 2018 Delhi side refused to keep him. There is only one logical conclusion (Let’s just say that Kangana Ranaut and Arnab Goswami won’t be happy). Nicholas Pooran is in the team because he’s supposed to be their wicket-keeper. But even the wicketkeeping duties have been handed over to Rahul! It’s understandable though, that Pooran doesn’t want to keep wickets, the helmet would ruin his hair, right?

We have just received some news – Glenn Maxwell will be featuring in the new Netflix documentary ‘Bad Boy Billionaires’ alongside other fraudsters like Vijay Mallya, Nirav Modi etc. I mean, taking away 10.75 crores to simply bat (and not too well, either) at No.5, and offer no bowling or exceptional fielding, is just robbery in broad daylight! If he doesn’t get going on this Sharjah ground today, I fully expect Kings XI to send goons after him to injure him, and get out of paying his full contract.

Sarfraz is a tricky player. The KXIP owners will be confused whether they even want him to perform well. Because on one hand, he might win you the match, but on the other hand, he has a history of making offensive gestures at  those who have selected him in the team after he performs well (You can go here if you didn’t get that). I’m not sure whether Neesham can play well, since you aren’t allowed to take your phone to the ground. And well, withdrawals can be tough to handle…

Murugan Ashwin is that kind of player who just plays 1 or 2 games in a season. It doesn’t matter whether he plays good, or bad, that’s all he plays. So there is nothing to say about him! Oh, except for the fact that he will always remain under Ravichandran Ashwin’s shadow.  Mohammad Shami is a great player no doubt, but you may want to pull up his Wikipedia page to see his personality. That’s all I will say about that. The only reason Sheldon Cottrell got 8.5 crores in this IPL, is because he had a decent series against India, and because of that damned celebration. He may actually be more of a marketing buy than a sporting buy, because frankly, there are so many bowlers who are volumes better than him. But oh well, a team that buys 40 year old Chris Gayle clearly cares about marketing and brand appeal more than the actual sport.

Rajasthan Royals Probable XI

  1. Jos Buttler*(wk) (England’s best ever white-ball cricketer)
  2. Yashasvi Jaiswal (Best player in U-19 World Cup, by some margin)
  3. Sanju Samson (Best young batsman in India, anyone want to debate?)
  4. Steve Smith*(c) (Statistically best ever IPL captain, the GOAT.)
  5. Robbie Uthappa (Only player ever to make more than 10 consecutive 40+ scores in T20 history)
  6. Riyan Parag (Young talent, will only get better with time)
  7. Tom Curran* (Better than his brother, don’t care what anyone says)
  8. Jofra Archer* (The player who won England the World Cup, the modern day Nostradamus)
  9. Rahul Tewatia (We all saw what he did against CSK, Our ‘good celebration’ quota filler)
  10. Shreyas Gopal (2019 Emerging Player for all neutral fans)
  11. Jaydev Unadkat (Holds the record for most wickets in a Ranji season, just led his side to a Ranji victory)

Perfect team J. They could also play David Miller instead of Tom Curran, but then they’d have to replace Riyan Parag with Ankit Rajpoot or Kartik Tyagi, and go ahead with just 5 bowling options. Anyway, this team looks amazing, and definitely miles ahead of KXIP.

Prediction – Like, duh.

My Current Prediction Counter – 7-1 (I might as well be clairvoyant at this point)

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